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How can I make sure Santa Claus brings me what I want this year?

Hi, I am 30 years old, and I really really really REALLY want Santa Claus to get me a pap smear for Christmas this year! I am a very good girl and I think I deserve a fun pap smear! How can I make sure he performs one on me Christmas morning?

Try and fall asleep with your legs wide open right in front of the fireplace with a big tub of petroleum jelly and some latex gloves beside the milk and cookies.

Santa Claus

AUTOMATA – The Santa Claus Workshop $99,000.00

1994 Coca Cola Norman Rockwell 24 Kt Gold Card Serial #0001 Series 3 Santa Claus $19,500.00

Andy Warhol Santa Claus w/ Diamond dust Mint! $18,595.00

Vintage SANTA CLAUS blockhead snapback hat cap NWT Christmas Tree RARE $9,999.99

Joe Jusko Orginal Cover Painting.Bizarre Adventures Santa Claus Stunning!!!!!!!! $9,000.00

Ultra-rare orignal vintage doll from Santa Claus Land House of Dolls in Indiana $5,000.00

Mike Kelley Toy Santa Claus Original Color Photograph 1993 Limited Edition $4,000.00

Unique/Exceptional Large Oval Folk Art Santa Claus Wood Carving signed Cobb 98 $3,500.00

Santa Claus. Hand Carved in Russia. One of a Kind. Olga $2,500.00

LEGO JAPAN SANTA CLAUS GIANT MINIFIG 19″ INCHES DISPLAY RARE! father red $2,499.99

COLLECTORS DREAM VINTAGE JUDITH LEIBER CRYSTAL MINAUDIERE SANTA CLAUS BAG PURSE $2,295.00

Tiffin #7562 Decorated Santa Claus Lamp $1,999.95

1930s Display SANTA CLAUS – From Pomeroy’s, Reading, PA – Local Pickup Only! $2,000.00

ORIG JAN 4,1879 Thomas Nast SANTA CLAUS H.Weekly PAGE $1,950.00

Antique Schoenhut Rolly Dolly large Santa Claus $1,700.00

KNIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS * SANTA CLAUS CineMasterpieces GRIMM MOVIE POSTER 1926 $1,495.00

Rare German 1890 Santa Claus St Nick Kris Kringle Doll Victorian Store Display $1,495.00

Vintage CONVERSE Santa Claus Christmas High Top Men’s Sneaker Shoes Kicks 10 USA $1,270.00

SANTA CLAUS THERMO-LITE MASCOT HEAD Costume XMAS $1,199.00

SANTA CLAUS MASCOT HEAD Costume XMAS Halloween prop $1,195.00

ST NICK Santa Claus MASCOT HEAD Costume XMAS Halloween $1,195.00

SANTA CLAUS REINDEER LAMP POST STATUE CHRISTMAS 7FT $989.07

1960′s Life Size Mechanical DEPT STORE SANTA CLAUS Display Motion Arm & Head $1,195.00

Bethany Lowe Original Christmas Santa Claus Beat II $1,195.00

LLADRO 1813 Santa Claus ** CHRISTMAS JOURNEY *** MINT** $1,150.00

RARE WIND UP CLOCKWORK TOY NODDING SANTA CLAUS ON REINDEER STORE DISPLAY $999.00

Weygandt USA Chocolate Mold 12.5″ Santa Claus With Walking Stick W/ Provenance $1,014.99

Duncan Royale History SANTA CLAUS 1983 NAST 65054 $1,011.95

Rare Antique/Vintage Post Office Box from Santa Claus Indiana / Santa Claus Land $1,000.00

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS the MARTIANS ~ 1964 one sheet movie poster~MST3K~nss 64-568 $999.99

HEADLINE ARTIST BILL GURIAN SANTA CLAUS CHRISTMAS OIL PAINTING NY POST NEWSPAPER $1,000.00

1930′s MACY’S SANTA CLAUS, 6 FOOT, MOTORIZED $1,000.00

Christmas Stocking 1854 Victorian First Edition Antique Book Santa Claus RARE $999.99

HOPI SANTA CLAUS KACHINA DOLL ANDREW SAHMIE $950.00

Vintage 1974 LLADRO FIGURINE #4905 SANTA CLAUS WITH TOYS Retired $975.00

Santa Claus King Throne Santa Throne Christmas Chair $759.69

BB Marbles: (SAB5) Santa Claus Sulphide 1-11/16″ Buffed $900.00

Rare 1926 Red Crown Gasoline Standard Oil Company California Diecut Santa Claus $895.00

ANTIQUE SANTA CLAUS DOLL AND CHIMNEY MUSIC BOX VERY OLD $879.00

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Standing Tree Outdoor Swag Greetings $855.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Standing Tree Silver Robe Bird House $855.80

NORMAN ROCKWELL SIGNED PRINT “SANTA CLAUS” BM9725 $850.00

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS “A” MOVIE POSTER ’64 $850.00

Greene: An Adventure of Santa Claus, 1871 illustrated $850.00

SANTA CLAUS ON SKI STATUE LIFE SIZE CHRISTMAS DECOR 5FT $612.00

HTL0014 Hold to Light Santa Claus postcard, Air Ship, $800.00

HTL33 Hold to Light Santa Claus postcard, Air Ship $800.00

Santa Claus pulling a Sledge – early 20th century, around 1930 $750.00

Vintage Antique Paper Mache BELSNICKLE Santa Claus Figure, around 1910 $749.00

Vintage 1930′s Embossed Enamel Steel Santa Claus Christmas Sign Couch & Philippi $795.00

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Tree Golden Lab Puppy Classic Robe $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Flocked Tree Lantern Cardinal Standing $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Flocked Tree Short Robe and Lantern $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Tree Plaid Robe Golden Standing $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Standing Tree Bag of Toys No Cap $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Standing Tree Silver Robe Winter Woods $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Standing Tree Frosted Tree Polar Bear Bag $789.80

57″ Ditz Father Christmas Santa Claus Standing Tree Brown Bear Classic Robe $789.80

SANTA CLAUS AND HIS WORKS-CIRCA 1870-McLOUGHLIN BROS OF NY- THOMAS NAST $750.00

SANTA CLAUS, THOMAS NAST MERRY OLD SANTA CLAUS, ANTIQUE 1881 SANTA ENGRAVING $750.00

Wilton 2308-1132 Metal Cookie Cutter Set of 18 $10.49 This metal cookie cutter set includes: snowflake, holly leaf, gingerbread girl, star, sleigh, tree, stocking, snowman, reindeer, ornament, candy cane, Santa hat, angel, bell, gift, wreath, gingerbread boy, and mitten. Each is approximately 3″. 18 cutters total. …

Westland Giftware Mwah Magnetic Santa and Mrs. Clause Salt and Pepper Shaker Set, 3-3/4-Inch $7.92 Mwah Magnetic Santa and Mrs. Clause Salt and Pepper Shakers…

Wilton Holiday Cookie Cutters, Set of 9 $6.27 These metal cutters look great with their bright colors and glossy enamel finish. 4 shapes are perfect for hanging on the tree until your next cookie-baking bash. Recipe included. Includes candy cane, gingerbread girl, stocking, angel, star, bell, snowman, tree, and gingerbread boy. Colored aluminum cutters measure from 3″ to 3-3/4″. 9 cutters total. …

My Christmas $4.32 All products are BRAND NEW and factory sealed. Fast shipping and 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed….

Christmas in Harmony $4.90 All products are BRAND NEW and factory sealed. Fast shipping and 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed….

Merry Christmas $1.06 No Description AvailableNo Track Information AvailableMedia Type: CDArtist: CAREY,MARIAHTitle: MERRY CHRISTMASStreet Release Date: 10/01/2000…

Christmas Tree Lights On/off Control Ornament $9.99 Christmas Tree Lights On/Off Control Ornament. Simply touch the brass ornament to turn christmas tree lights onn and off. No more messing with hard to reach electrical plugs and outlets. Controls up to 1200 minature Christmas tree lights(600 Watts). For indoor use only….

18 Lighted Waving Santa Claus Christmas Window Silhouette Decoration $9.99 18″ Lighted Waving Santa Christmas DecorationItem #V490525Features:Illuminated by 50 red, green and clear mini lightsOne-sidedNo assembly required. Decoration is 1-pieceUL listed for indoor or outdoor use120 volts, 60Hz, .17 amps, 20.4 wattsWire gauge: 2224″ white lead cord that has 1 plug with end connector allowing you to stack multiple sets of lighted decorations together (not to exceed 210 wat…

Santa Claus Large Hand-painted Cookie Jar $32.99 Bring holiday cheer to your table with the Santa Claus Christmas CollectionA unique 3-dimensional design that adds a festive twist to serving your favorite recipes and holiday specialties

Santa Claus Combination Salt and Pepper Shaker $15.99 Bring holiday cheer to your table with the Santa Claus Christmas CollectionThis serving piece is uniquely designed to add a festive twist serving your holiday specialtiesSalt and pepper shaker set complements any household’s holiday decor

Santa Claus Hand-painted Large Soup Bowl $26 Bring holiday cheer to your table with the Santa Claus Christmas CollectionSoup bowl is a unique 3-dimensional design that adds a festive twist to serving your favorite soupsThis dish complements any household’s holiday decor

Santa Claus 4-piece Large Oval Dinner Plate Set $47.99 Bring holiday cheer to your table with these Santa Claus Christmas platesThese dishes complement any household’s holiday decorDinnerware is handcrafted and hand-painted by expert craftsmen

Santa Claus 4-piece Soup/ Salad Plate Set $33 Bring holiday cheer to your table with these Santa Claus Christmas platesThese dishes complement any household’s holiday decorDinnerware is handcrafted and hand-painted by expert craftsmen

Trax Santa Claus Red Leather Christmas Watch $17.04 Trax TR847 Santa Claus Red Leather Christmas Watch

Sterling Silver Santa Claus Necklace $9.29 Bring a little jolly style to your casual wardrobe with this sterling silver necklacePolished pendant features a carved Santa Claus designJewelry includes a princess-length cable chain

Sizzix Originals Santa Claus Die $19.96 Easily embellish and enhance any creative task with this Santa Claus Sizzix die. Sizzix originals dies feature a steel-rule construction and allow you to make amazing shapes.

Sterling Silver Crystal Santa Clause Necklace $26.99 Red and white crystals are featured on this cute Santa Clause pendant. This jewelry is crafted of sterling silver in a polished finish.

American Coin Treasures Santa Claus Coin Collection $61.99 Santa Claus coin collection is an ideal gift for the numismatist in your lifeCoin collection includes 12 gold-layered JFK half dollars Collectible comes in a museum quality display case

American Coin Treasures Santa Claus Merry Money Coin Collection $22.99 Coin collection is the ideal collection for the numismatist in your lifeCoin collection includes four (4) JFK half dollarsEach coin is beautifully colorized with a different image of Santa Claus

Santa Claus Holiday Area Rug (3′ x 5′) $49.29 A colorful vintage Santa Claus highlights this festive holiday area rug. This machine-made polypropylene rug features shades of navy blue, cream, dark red, tan and green.

Whimsical Women’s Christmas Santa Claus Theme Red Leather Strap Watch $45.49 This charming timepiece from Whimsical features a Santa Claus theme with miniatures of Santa and a teddy bear in a wintery outdoor setting. The watch offers a goldtone stainless steel case on a bright red leather strap.

Whimsical Women’s Christmas Santa Claus Theme Red Leather Strap Watch $41.66 This charming timepiece from Whimsical features a Santa Claus theme with miniatures of Santa and a teddy bear in a wintery outdoor setting. The watch offers a silvertone stainless steel case on a bright red leather strap.

Hanging Felt Santa Claus with Pocket $15.05 Colors: Red, white, pink, yellow, blue and brownMaterials: Felt and polycottonFront pocket

Santa Claus Snap-on Rubber Coated Case for Apple iPhone 4/ 4S $3.99 This is a Santa Claus snap-on rubber coated case for Apple iPhone 4/ 4S. Keep your cell phone safe and protected against external dust and scratches in this snap-on rubber coated case accessory.

60 inch Decorative Plush Christmas Santa Claus $139.94 Ideal as a standing decorationSize: 60 inches high x 14 inches wideColors: Burgundy, woodland, red, white/gold

American Coin Treasures Santa Claus Coin Ornament $17.99 Santa is colorized on a genuine United States quarter using a special ink technique and is surrounded by a raised silver bezel with green enamel holly leaves and glass red berries.

BasAcc Santa Claus Snap-on Rubber Coated Case for Apple iPhone 4/ 4S $3.49 This is a BasAcc hot pink bling snap-on case for Apple iPhone 4/ 4S. Keep your cell phone safe and protected against external dust and scratches in this snap-on case accessory.

14k Gold Santa with Tree Charm $47.49 An adorable Christmas presentSanta Claus with Christmas tree charm is made of 14-karat yellow goldGold charm features spring ring clasp

‘Checking His List’ Counted Cross Stitch Stocking Kit $18.26 Add just the right touch to your home with this fun needlework projectCounted cross stitch kit includes all the items you need Charming cross stitch stocking depicts Santa Clause looking over his list

American Coin Treasures Merry Money Colorized 2-dollar Bill $18.99 Colorized $2 Holiday bill is an ideal gift for any paper money enthusiastCollectible design features festive holiday colors and the much-loved portrait of Santa Claus Coin set is accompanied by a Certificate of Authenticity

Rudolph and Friends Holiday Area Rug (3′ x 5′) $44.19 Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus and a snowman highlight this festive holiday area rug. This machine-made polypropylene rug features shades of cranberry, beige, black, tan, light green and olive green.

Stampendous Christmas ‘Blockart Claus’ Cling Rubber Stamp $5.19 These are the same premium quality precision trimmed rubber stamps as the Stampendous wood-mounted version. Great for Christmas projects, this stamp features a cute block art Santa Claus.

Santa Claus (Board) $9.85 A Christmas tree, a snowman, an elf, a reindeer, and Santa Claus all prepare for Christmas.

Where, Oh Where, Is Santa Claus (Hardcover) $15.84 Santa Claus is missing, and a host of arctic animals searches for him in the snow.

I Spy Santa Claus $3.95 Rhymes invite the reader to find hidden objects in photographs of Christmas themes featuring Santa Claus.

The Santa Clause (WS/DVD) $12.99 Widescreen Special Edition When Santa Claus gets killed in a freak accident after being startled on the rooftop of a house, it looks like Christmas is ruined. But fortunately, just before his death, the jolly, gift-giver passed the t…

The Santa Clause (FS/DVD) $12.35 Special Edition Full Frame When Santa Claus gets killed in a freak accident after being startled on the rooftop of a house, it looks like Christmas is ruined. But fortunately, just before his death, the jolly, gift-giver passed the t…

The Autobiography of Santa Claus (Hardcover) $12.63 This enchanting Christmas classic returns for a new holiday season, combining historical fact with glorious legend as St. Nicholas himself reveals the definitive story of Santa Claus. With seven centuries of holiday magic all rolled into twent…

Dear Santa Claus (Hardcover) $11.57 A determined little girl puts Santa through his paces — and exchanges several removable messages — in this sweet Christmas story full of holiday surprises. Dear Santa Claus,I saw a man in a store today who said he wa…

In Search of Santa Claus (DVD) $9.14 This Smithsonian Channel program traces the origins of the man known as Santa Claus. How did he evolve from a sainted hero into the red-cheeked, jelly-bellied Kris Kringle children await today?

The Year Without a Santa Claus (DVD) $6.61 Feeling exhausted and unappreciated by the children of the world, Santa Claus decides to take a year off from Christmas. Unable

The Santa Clause 2 (WS/DVD) $12.69 Widescreen Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) found a jacket eight years ago that turned him into Santa Claus. Unfortunately

Santa Claus $14.81 Description not available.